| Joke Name |
• Al Madrigal: Cute Half-Mexican in a Sailor's Suit
You grow up real quick, a half-Mexican in a sailor's suit, because I'd be riding the streetcar to school everyday -- minding my own business, humming out a 'Frere Jacques' -- and I realized that in any other town, this might be considered cute. But you know what it is in San Francisco? Sexy. |
• Megan Mooney: My Father's Rude Friend
I'm just hanging out, minding my own business. He yells from across the room something he thinks is funny. He's like, 'What's the matter, Megan? You don't have any children because your husband's got a low sperm count?'... I was like, 'I don't know -- doesn't taste like it.' |
• John Heffron: Second Business
That's what happens to you, fellas, once you get married: whatever your profession is, you open up a second business, which is a small shipping service, and your territory is your house, and you're on call 24/7. You just pretty much sit on the... |
• Artie Lang: Obvious Gambling Problem
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem. |
• Kathy Griffin: My Cousin Sal
The father of the bride was my cousin, Sal. Sal was in the construction business, and that's all we say. |
• Bobby Lee: Roadside Corn Sales
I remember my first job -- it was selling corn on the side of the road. My dad hooked me up with that job. Thanks, Dad. I was sitting in my room minding my own business. My dad walked in, 'Hey loser, I got you a job-o.' I go, 'What is it?' 'You're... |
• Mike B.: Alien Sightings
White people, y'all are the only people to ever see aliens. I'm telling you, it's true. I was watching something about sightings. You never see blacks and Hispanics on sightings. You don't see that. You want to know why? I'm going to tell you why... |
• John Mooney: What Are You Working On Today?
I'm walking around the gym, and I made the gruesome mistake of trying to get involved in a gym conversation -- which I have no business doing. These two bruisers are, like, talking back and forth to one another. The first guy's like, 'Hey what you... |
• Dov Davidoff: Try Lamb Skin
My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said,... |
• Marc Maron: 10 Years in Showbiz
In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure. |
• Dave Attell: Against Porno
Some people are against porno movies, and I say, 'Hey, Ohio, Kentucky and Iran!' I say, 'Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey is their gosh darn business.' |
• Dave Attell: Klan Meetings
Why is the Klan still having meetings? Is there any new business with the Ku Klux Klan? 'Well, we do hate everybody, right? OK, see you next week.' |
• Jeremy Hotz: My Neighbor, the Keebler Elf
My next door neighbor's the Keebler Elf. Oh, I hate that little prick. He keeps me up at night making cookies in his tree. That's no way to run a business. There're zoning laws, you f**king shrimp. |
• Rene Hicks: Dog Eat Dog
Show business is a dog eat dog world. Make sure your dog isn't anorexic. |
• Mike Britt: Too Much of Our Business
We tell too much of our business. I don't understand war. Why we tell everything we're about to do? We're running around, trying to find out military intelligence on them. They don't need that -- all they do is watch the news, they see everything... |
• Daniel Tosh: Airport Phone Fun
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be... |
• Daniel Tosh: WWJD in the Movie Theater
Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off -- don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.'... |
• Michael Somerville: Treating Your Job Like College
Can you imagine behaving the same way at your job as you did in college? Be on the phone at midnight like, 'Dude, I got a $40 million business pitch due tomorrow. I haven't even started it.' |
• Dan Levy: Doing It All in L.A.
It's kind of weird living in L.A. because everyone's so in show business, you know what I mean? This guy gave me his business card the other day, it said 'Actor/Writer/Producer/Director/Rapper.' And he goes, 'Yo dawg, call me for weed.' |
Another Robbie Martin Site 2008 http://bondi-blond.com
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