| Joke Name |
• David Crowe: Easiest Job on the Planet
The easiest job on the planet is the DJ at a classical music station. It's a sweet gig. 'Here's Beethoven's 9th Symphony. I'll be back in an hour and a half.' |
• Bryan Gutmann: Hipsters in New York
Now that I live there, I actually find that I'm around the people that I can't stand to be around the most, which are these elitist people. You know, hipster people that have an opinion on, like, everything that you should wear and all the cool... |
• Sundra Croonquist: Like Me
You do comedy when you're like me. When you're Swedish and black, and you look like a Puerco Rican, and you mom's a Jehovah's Witness, who loves country western music, sends your black and white ass to an Irish Catholic school -- you've got some problems, right guys? |
• Wanda Sykes: Turning A Younger Man on to Jazz
There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop -- that's his thing, he loves rap music -- but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to... |
• Retta: Love Classical Music
I love classical music. Don't get me wrong -- I'm still black -- I still kick up the bass and pump up the volume. |
• Patrick Borelli: Why People Think You're Gay
Usually when people think you're gay, it's because the way you dress or talk or the way you're really into house music. And I don't do any of those things. For me, it's like I put one Ben Affleck poster in my bedroom, and everyone starts talking. |
• Steve White: Rap Violence
Rap music is violent, man. Rappers getting killed left and right: Tupac, Notorious B.I.G. What's going on, man? They're killing the best rappers. I got news for you -- Vanilla Ice is still alive. I got his beeper number. Come on, Ice Cube, let's form a lynch mob and get his ass! |
• Mitch Hedberg: Neighbor's Knock
I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on the wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down... When he knocked on the wall, I would mess with his head. I'd say, 'Go around.' |
• Pablo Francisco: Boy Bands Aren't R&B
It's not R&B music, you know? R&B music's always five black guys with no shirts. |
• Zach Galifianakis: Specific Enthusiasm
When I go to events and concerts, there's a lot of people that yell 'Woo!' or 'Yeah!' when they like something. I like to be more specific when I yell things out. I like to, like -- when I'm at a concert I like to yell out things like: 'The way you play your music makes me feel good inside!' |
• Paul F. Tompkins: Don't Like Jazz
I don't like jazz music, and I don't like it on behalf of you, the common stupid person. Here's why -- hold on, you're pretty dumb -- here's why: because jazz is all about making the common man feel dumb. That's all it is. It's a bunch of guys all playing different songs at the same time. It's just a racket. |
• Jake Johannsen: If Love Was Easy
If love was easy, there would be almost no music. |
• Otis Lee Crenshaw: Real Country Music
Real country music is lying on the floor with that bottle of Jack Daniel's by your side 'cause a woman's gone and walked across your heart like a Samoan man in golf shoes. |
• Dwayne Kennedy: Music With Your War
The United States used to know how to put on a war. You always used to get a little music with your war. You know, they had the dude on drums, dude on fife, you know what I mean? A little background music while you're getting shot. |
• Daniel Tosh: Not Music Television
The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' -- they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't... |
• Wayne Federman: KISS in Concert
As the concert unfolds, I realize this isn't really a concert, this is more of a magic show; that everything they do -- the pyrotechnics, the smoke, the costumes -- is designed to distract you from their set list. 'Cause your music is so marginal,... |
• Jimmy Dore: More to Life Than Sex
She would go, 'All they do is talk about sex in your music -- sex, sex sex. There's a lot more to life than sex, Jimmy. Some day you're gonna find that out.' Mom, you had 12 kids, maybe you're not the person to talk. |
• Mike Birbiglia: E at the Club
This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.' |
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