| Joke Name |
• A.J. Jamal: Big Butt
I like a big butt, though. I like a butt so big you can sit a clock radio and a drink on it. |
• Gene Pompa: Talk to Me
The first time we were having sex, in the middle of it, she turns into this tigress. You know, she starts going, 'Talk to me, talk to me.' And I said, 'Hi, how are you? How's work?' |
• Sommore: You Got to Be Fair
You got to be fair. Because I see a lot of stuff going on that's just not fair -- like Vice President Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney shot somebody in the face, and then nothing happened. Nothing happened. Now, am I right or am I wrong, but when President Clinton shot somebody in the face.... |
• Jeff Caldwell: Birth Control
My wife's birth control pills also prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control. |
• Jeff Mac: Re-Released Into the Wild
I was in a relationship for like eight-and-a-half years, and then I was re-released into the wild not too long ago. So, my internal 'How To Read a Woman Manual' has like a drawing of Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower on the cover, holding hands in a... |
• Jeff Mac: Religious Protests
This is a guy who believes that God made everything, but he's got a sign that says, 'God Hates Stuff.' Why is God making stuff he hates, like, constantly? Is God off there really like, 'Oh boy, what the hell am I doing here? Oh, why would I make... |
• Jesse Joyce: Hot Medical Interns
I got some advice if there's any single dudes in the room. If you ever have to go in for surgery, for whatever reason, they want to put a lot of hot chicks involved in the surgery process. There's always, like, hot surgical interns running around,... |
• Kristen Schaal: Many Languages
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. |
• Kristen Schaal: Hot Sex Dream
I had this steamy, hot sex dream where I was making love to George Washington. Actually, he was making love to me, and I was just keeping real still -- like it's done. And everything was going better than I could have ever hoped, when all of a... |
• Kristen Schaal: Not Putting Out
Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out -- unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in. |
• Kristen Schaal: Some Goals
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid. |
• Chad Daniels: Genetic Advancements
I can't wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex. |
• Chad Daniels: Mother-In-Law
One day, she was at our house holding our wedding picture. She goes, 'I don't know why she married you.' I was like, 'I do. See the ring bearer? That's our son.' |
• Dave Nystrom: When Your Daughter Grows Up
When you have a little daughter, you don't want her to grow up thinking one day she's gonna get married and get pregnant and have a family. You want her to be like Barbie, the bleach-blond whore with the 28 double-D's, rolling around the pink... |
• Patton Oswalt: G-Rated Filth
To me, G-rated filth is so much creepier than just filth. If you're going to curse, like if you're going to say 'suck my d*ck' or 'f**k you,' just say it and then bleep it, rather than going, 'I'm going to fill your hoo-ha with goof-juice!' |
• Patton Oswalt: Please Spell Check Porn E-Mails
Porn e-mailers: if you're out there -- I know there's eight of you here -- please spell check your porn emails before you spam me. I know that I'm going to get porn emails forever -- I'm OK with that -- but just spell check them because I'm super... |
• Andy Borowitz: Movie Titles on Your Bill
Issue number one: hotel porn. Now, I'm not saying I'm against it. I think, on the whole, I'm for it. But I think that they should rewrite the way the ordering instructions on screen are phrased because, right now, what it always says is 'Movie... |
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