| Joke Name |
• Mike Birbiglia: Brakes on an Orgy
I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, 'Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?' I've never been in an orgy. I feel like it'd be like... |
• Doug Benson: At the Ball Game
I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine -- 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go. |
• Aries Spears: Michael Jordan Exception
I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman -- I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic -- I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You... |
• Russ Meneve: Performance Drugs
I took some drugs a couple days ago. My buddies wanted to play football, and I knew my throwing arm was going to be way off, so I took that Levitra -- you know, that drug that helps that guy throw the football through the tire in the commercial?... |
• Tom Shillue: Golf Is Boring Enough
Golf is boring enough to play, never mind watch it on TV, but then, to make it extra boring, they actually show slow motion replays. What the hell do you learn by watching a guy putt in slow motion? |
• Jimmy Carr: Swimming Is Good for You
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. |
• Jimmy Carr: No Sex Before a Fight
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other. |
• Drew Fraser: Old-Fashioned Roller Skates
We didn't have brakes. If you wanted to slow down, you skated on grass, that's how you slowed down. If you wanted to stop, you'd head toward a tree. |
• Jeff Cesario: Real Fights
I like the real fights, like channel 291, 3:30 in the morning, and it's live -- just some guys beating the tar out of each other. I love those because you can tell they have something at stake. They have, like, rent due tomorrow. |
• Jeff Cesario: Southern Golfers
I wanna be there when one of these guys snaps, loses it, says the wrong thing at the wrong time -- their subconscious just takes over and he can't help himself: 'Well, that's your 17th win in a row, Tigger -- TIGER! |
• Alonzo Bodden: Mad at Kobe Bryant
You know who's mad at Kobe? Every other player in the NBA. You know why? 'Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring. Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum. 'Cause you know how women are, man. Women get... |
• Vic Henley: Soccer Heckling
All the British fans start singing to the German fans, 'If you won the war, stand up!' Right, I think this is the greatest thing I've ever heard at a sporting event because there's no snappy comeback for that, is there? |
• Vic Henley: Radio Call-In for NASCAR Fans
I just hear the DJ on the radio in my car; I hear, 'Bob from Charlotte, you're on the line. Bob, what do you have to say?' 'Six!' 'Next caller, Dan.' '14!' This went on for like eight minutes -- it's like some sort of inbred, bastardized bingo's taking place. |
• Reno Collier: Softball Team
I got sick of us losing all the time. So, I changed the name of our team to 'Off Constantly.' That way, at least every time we lost, at the end of the game, the other team had to run around the field celebrating, like, 'We won! We beat Off Constantly! We beat Off Constantly!' |
• Godfrey: X-Games
The X-Games -- I watch that; I'm not impressed. That's white dudes' desperation. They're running out of sports. They gotta find something that black dudes won't touch. |
• Megan Mooney: Olympic Diving
I always have this dream that the guy coming in last for diving is going to do a cannonball for our amusement. |
• Ben Bailey: Throwing the Football in Fall
Can't wait 'til the fall comes around, I'm going to go out and throw the football -- once. Then, I'm going to run back inside before I freeze to death. I'm not even going to go get it. I'm going to throw it and run right back in the house. |
• Tammy Pescatelli: On Terrell Owens
Six million dollars a year -- you could pee on me every day at work. I will show up the next day, 'What time you gotta pee tomorrow, coach? You gotta take a dump? I could come in early.' |
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