| Joke Name |
• Tom Cotter: Looks Down His Nose
We say stupid stuff -- 'He looks down his nose at me.' Well, of course, we all look down our nose. If he could look up his nose at you, either he'd be a freak or you'd be a booger. |
• The Amazing Johnathan: Card Trick
Not only am I going to cause your card to rise to the top -- I've changed it to the seven of spades. |
• Lewis Black: Earth Day
We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on. |
• Mitch Hedberg: Fire Exit
I was at a casino. I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. |
• Mitch Hedberg: If You're Flammable and Have Legs
If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit. |
• Dave Attell: What Fear Looks Like
That's what fear looks like, I'm telling you: a man running around with his thing flapping around in the air. If you walk out of here tonight, and you see a man running down the street with his thing flapping in the air, run with that man because there is some scary stuff coming the other way. |
• Jim Gaffigan: Lazy for No Reason
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor -- you ever just look at the letter and go, 'Hm, looks like they're never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.' |
• Jim Gaffigan: No Free Time
I never have free time. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line front of you -- you get kind of flustered? You're like 'Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I've got things to do.' |
• Greg Giraldo: Scalding Water
There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh? |
• Louis C.K.: Time Anxiety
I hate when people ask me the time on the street 'cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can't read my watch. When I'm alone, I'm great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just can't make... |
• Louis C.K.: Talking to Strangers
I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it.... |
• Eddie Brill: Dick for Richard
Your name's not Dickard; your name is Richard. There's no reason to give yourself a phallic name. There's no reason. You have so many choices: you can be Rick, you can be Rich. I'd rather be called Chard than be called Dick. Nobody does that: 'My name's Carl, but you can call me Cock.' |
• Eddie Gossling: Hobbies
One of my biggest hobbies? I like to rush to judgment. |
• Demetri Martin: Escalator Trip
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. |
• Demetri Martin: No B Batteries
I notice that there are no 'B' batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion. Because if there were, you wouldn't know when someone was stuttering. |
• Jimmy Carr: Unusual Name
I got talking to a girl in the front row; I asked her her name. She said, 'It's Pataka.' I said, 'That's an unusual name. You don't hear that every day.' To which she replied, 'Actually, I do.' |
• Ian Bagg: Someone Hates Me
Every show I do, at least one person hates me. Once it was a guy in a wheelchair. He hated me so much he stood up and walked out of the room. |
• Demetri Martin: Rock, Paper, Scissors
I like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff -- I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back... |
• Demetri Martin: Hotel Messages
I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's... |
Another Robbie Martin Site 2008 http://bondi-blond.com
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